My Mental Health Journey

This is a very personal post but I’m glad to share because I know that my sharing might help someone else. Things really started to become noticeable to me around age 34. The bumps and bruises of life seemed to start affecting me more than they had before.

We all have pain and heartbreak. We all have bad days here and there. That is understandable and normal. The mental health struggle I’m talking about is different. Here is the definition from the American Psychiatric Association “Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease your ability to function at work and at home.”

I started to have overwhelming feelings of sadness. I was unmotivated toward the things I typically enjoyed. I noticed my thoughts were running wild. Things started to bother me way more than they ever had before. My anger was flaring up. My confidence started to decrease. Even though those were my feelings I was functional in my daily life. I could take care of things (mostly) and to those not in my home it was hard to tell anything was wrong.

Many circumstances and situations led to these feelings but it seemed that being in postpartum propelled the feelings even more. One morning as Brent was leaving for work I remember being on the kitchen floor begging him to not go. Unsure that I could handle the day ahead. I never had thought of suicide but I know many people do. My anger outbursts were becoming too frequent, I needed help. I decided to start a moms group so that I could look forward to seeing friends weekly. I also found a therapist and booked my first counseling session. That was a huge step for me. I felt vulnerable and that I would be judged for seeking help but I knew I needed to do it no matter what anyone else thought.

I found a sitter and started to go to counseling weekly. I met with a Licensed Professional Counselor. It was so nice to have someone to share my full story with, to gain tools that helped me when the overwhelming feelings would start. It was a lot of work but slowly I recovered bit by bit. I finally got to a place where I felt comfortable to stop meeting with the therapist and try life on my own.

Then in 2019 about two and a half years after my father passed away I was really struggling and felt stuck in my grief. I decided to start going to Griefshare, a grief recovery support group. It’s a biblical, Christ-centered approach to grieving where you can find weekly support with others that are facing the loss of loved ones. Joining Grief Share was one of the best things I did for myself that year. I truly felt I went from mourning to joy.

Fast forward to life in 2021 during the Pandemic. At first, I seemed to be functioning fine but through several events found myself down in a deep rut and unable to dig myself out. I tried being consistent with healthy eating, exercising regularly, going to bed at a decent hour, and was having regular quiet times with God. I couldn’t understand why I was not feeling better. Tears were a regular part of my life and feelings of guilt seemed to wake up with me every morning. Enjoyment was a faint memory.

Yet again I found myself in need of help. I remember describing my symptoms to my doctor and she said, “You deserve better.” So we decided to start with seeing a therapist weekly. Since we were now living in Nashville I had to find a new therapist. Thankfully God provided a Christian counselor who was just the right fit for me. She was a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Mental Health Service Provider designation.

I worked on:

• Setting stronger boundaries
• Showing up for myself as well as others
• Controlling my thoughts
• Not dwelling on mistakes. I can feel a negative feeling (set a timer for 2 minutes) then move on.
• Understanding that voicing my needs is essential
• True friendship is a give and take
• I don’t have to do it all, I should ask for help (i.e. instead of me cooking dinner every night the boys and Brent took a night)
• My little wants (i.e. getting a bag of sonic ice) are must-dos not something to be brushed away
• Discussing and praying through my fears
• Truly understanding how everyone has weaknesses
• Being gentle with myself
• Giving grace to others

It was a lot of work inside and outside of the therapy sessions. So many tears. I grew tremendously and learned so many valuable things. I took incredibly small steps, began to be brave, and started seeing progress. I worked and worked but I still felt as if I just couldn’t get out of the ditch.

I met back up with my doctor and we (my therapist, general doctor, and myself) decided for me to start taking an anti-depressant. It was my first time taking medication for my mental health. This was also a big hurdle for me. I’m not huge on taking medication in general and I felt defeated that it had come to this. In faith, I started taking the pill daily. After we worked out some kinks I can say that it has helped me tremendously. I know it’s not for everyone but this is my story and I’m sharing what has worked for me.

I’m glad I was able to work on some issues with the therapist before and after I started taking the medication. Through the process, I felt wobbly. I felt unsure and unsteady but I was willing to put in the work and do what I needed to do to feel better. Finally, I can say I feel most like myself and the mountains that surrounded me are gone.

I wish I could tell my 35-year-old self to not be so afraid of taking medicine. That taking care of myself is a gift I’m giving to myself and my family. I’m so grateful for where I am today and the place I am in my mental health journey. It took me taking risks, being brave, and fighting my desire to people please but in the end, I’m doing the best I can with what I’m given and allowing myself the freedom to change.

Resources and Ways to Get Help

I’ve found Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life an incredibly useful book in this journey.

If you are seeking help simply google “licensed therapist in my area”. You should be able to read about the therapist online and get an idea of who they are before you set an appointment. I like to have a phone interview first to get to know them. I also find out if they take insurance and the cost before I go to an in-person session. In-person is best but if that’s not possible telehealth options are available.

I am not a doctor, this is simply my story about mental health. If you are struggling or considering suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Have you ever struggled with mental health?

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