A Simple Tool to Help with Parenting
You know when things are just really difficult with your kids? Arguing and complaining seems to be normal everyday occurrences. We use this simple resource to help us all know what is expected and what to do if the rules aren’t followed.
Of course, this year has been difficult on so many levels for us and our kids. I tend to find weeks where I feel on top of things and other weeks when I’m in survival mode and not paying close attention to my kids’ behavior. I know there is a place for grace for myself and for my kids, but I ultimately want to train my kids to be obedient, honest, kind, productive, and respectful humans. I want to train them toward godliness.
Discipline is Hard, but the Reward is Worth it
Many years ago, this tool was passed on to us. The best part about it is that it gives us a plan in training our kids. I know discipline is not a popular topic but as parents, Brent and I want to do our best to help guide and instruct our children. This Bible verse speaks to that, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11. The benefit of discipline is worth it.
Think of a professional athlete; there’s no way they’ll be able to perform to their best if they are not disciplined. They have to be hitting the gym, practicing technique, eating well, getting proper sleep, etc. So too, I want my children to live to their highest potential. Yes, some days we all feel lazy and want to react out of our gut rather than self-control, but I want to set my kids up with the tools to be able to understand that there will be consequences for their actions and that starts in the home.
Being a firstborn, I can have a tendency to be rigid so I work to be more flexible and remind myself our kids are in a learning process just as I am as a parent. Some moments I do feel overwhelmed on how to parent my kids. What do we do about this situation? How should we handle this issue? I’m thankful I can go to the Lord and pour out my concerns and He meets me by listening and at times directing what should be done. Also, I’m thankful for a husband I can talk with, get insight from, and together can make parenting decisions. If you are a single parent, I pray you have someone in your life that you can talk to about parenting.
If-Then Chart
This chart (under $7) helps all of us know what is expected and what to do if the rules are not followed. There are four columns to the chart. The first column lists the problem behaviors. Next is a Bible verse explaining why the behavior is wrong. The third column shows what Jesus has done for us. In the last column, there are blank spaces for you and/or your child to come up with the consequence.
Consequences
We come up with the consequences with our kids then we all sign the top as a contract in agreement. For us, this chart seems best for kids aged 6 and up but the creators say 2-12. An example would be if your child tells a lie then they would lose 5 minutes of screen time. If wanting to use more natural consequences, if a child is teasing their sibling then they need to come up with 3 kind things to say about the one they were teasing. Have your kids come up with some consequences, you may be surprised at their creativity.
Accountability
The chart gives us accountability as parents. If helps Brent and I be on the same page. It also helps our kids know what to expect. It helps me so much to have a pre-made written plan that is visible at any time (ours is on our fridge). Having the consequences already established helps so I won’t act in anger and come up with some random consequence that is a surprise to my child and not at all in line with the offense.
Rewards
Since the chart gives only consequences we thought it would be good to offer some incentives as well. I created a simple screen time pie chart. The child starts out with a certain number of minutes and can lose minutes based on their behavior and if-then chart consequences.
We also have jars set up in the kitchen one for each child. Our boys gain beads in their jars for things like completion of chores and good behavior. They also can lose beads based on a consequence from the if-then chart. Once their jar is full of beads they get to pick from an assortment of prizes. Some examples would be to go out for ice cream, extra screen time, or buy a small new toy.
Boot Camp
Usually, after a holiday break from school or a vacation, I tend to find parenting to be more difficult than normal. The kids are more defiant, they listen and obey less. Can you relate? This is something we use very rarely but we find effective. It’s something like a reset which we call boot camp. It’s just for a day, sometimes two. Boot camp is when we focus hard on our kid’s behaviors, and every behavior problem we see we walk over to the chart and follow up with the consequence. This can be challenging as a parent. No one likes pushback and tears but I remind myself that no discipline is pleasant at the time. I try my best to be loving yet firm. My tone matters a great deal, a calm kind tone goes a long way.
I stand my ground and follow the chart. After 3 or 4 consequences it usually clicks with the child that we mean business and that their job is to work on behavior modification. Most of the time by late morning we are all having a very pleasant time with everyone back on track and clear on expectations.
The Key is Consistency
A challenge then is to stay consistent. Of course, there are many days I don’t refer to the chart, I forget what consequence goes with what and I make something up on the fly but I find things work best if we all follow the plan. That doesn’t mean that as parents we are constantly in boot camp mode it just means when a behavior problem arises we have a plan and know what to do. We keep the chart on our fridge so everyone can see it and access it at any time.
Start Small: Show or No Show
We’re not perfect, but the goal is not perfection. I know it can seem overwhelming to begin disciplining if you haven’t been doing it, but I would encourage you to just start with one thing. That’s what we did. We started with a simple index card on the fridge that had the word SHOW on one side and NO SHOW on the other. If our 3-year-old was having trouble following the rules and listening then the card would be flipped and they would not get to watch a show that day (we limited them to one show per day).
This of course is challenging for the parent because the time a child watches a show is more than likely free time for the adult. This is one of the sacrifices we felt we could do. Not all parents will be able to. The main thing was that we had some consequence set up for a child who was not behaving.
A Prayer for Parents
May I take a moment to pray for you as a parent?
Lord, please help whoever is reading this to feel like there is hope in their parenting. Help them to see that things can change for the better no matter how difficult things are now. Give them ideas and insight into what would work best for their children. Give them patience and self-discipline as they move forward. Remind them that the goal is not perfection and forgiveness will be waiting on them when they mess up, as it is for us all. Enable them to communicate well with their spouse and discuss a plan. If the parent is single give them a support person they can brainstorm with and be encouraged by. Most of all help them to enjoy their children, let them see the benefits of the training they give their children, and rejoice in the progress no matter how small. Amen.
What have you found that works best with correcting behavior problems with your children?
You may be interested in a quick way to connect with your kids each morning or 8 enjoyable family read-aloud books.
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(Photo by Jay Todd)
